Written by Mike Lee

I had heard the term self compassion years ago and thought, “what is that?”.  I have compassion for others who are suffering or going through something hard but I never thought about what compassion towards myself could look like.  Instead what I was doing was being very self critical.  Anytime I did something wrong or made a mistake, I would mentally beat myself up.  How many of us do that on a daily basis and say things to ourselves like “I suck or I’m an idiot” or “how stupid of me” or “I am so weak”.  However, when we have a friend or family member we care for who has made mistakes or is going through something hard, we say much more compassionate things like “none of us are perfect and you are still wonderful” or “you are strong and it’s ok to ask for help.”  Dr. Kristin Neff has done lots of research around self compassion writes, “At the most basic level, self-compassion simply requires being a good friend to ourselves.”

It takes effort and intentionality to have self compassion and here are some concepts to start with:

1. You are as just as human and imperfect as those around you.  As a result you deserve the same compassion as you would give to those you care about close to you.

2.  Strive to give opportunities to yourself and to those close to you to show compassion when you are going through a hard time.  Brene Brown writes “shame grows in secrecy… but the antidote to shame is empathy.” Reach out to someone you trust and you know will give you the compassion you need when going through something hard and in time you will be able to give it to yourself.

3.  Challenge the inner voice that is telling you that you are “not good enough” or that “you don’t deserve compassion” or “you are not worthy”.  Those are all lies our mind makes up when we are being hard on ourselves and we all have that voice that is created out of fear and not love.   You are not alone and we need to work hard to challenge this wiring in our minds. It’s not about receiving but about needing compassion to love just like we need air to breathe. 

My story

I grew up being bullied in elementary and junior high school.  I was teased and sometimes physically attacked for being overweight, for being Asian, for having a flat face etc.  I remember going home crying after school some days and being ashamed for who I was and what I looked like.  I struggled hard even after losing that weight and going to college where there were more Asians to connect with.  No matter what I did, it was never good enough until I discovered self compassion which was taught to me by a priest friend of mine.  He helped me realize how much I was bullying myself and being hard on myself when I was going through a hard time, and that compassion needed to start within to be able to fully accept and receive it from others.  I still struggle with that inner harsh voice to this day but I now have an inner self compassionate voice that jumps in quicker and gets me out of that hole of self criticism and self loathing.  It’s harder some days and those are the days I have learned to reach out to friends and family who remind me I am loved and good  enough.  Please remember that you are worthy of compassion just as much as those you care about around you and that you are not alone.  Let love and not fear be your guiding light and I want to remind you that you have lots of people who care and respect you. You just need to open your eyes and self compassionate heart to see them.